Duffel Blog Presents: The 10 dumbest military phrases

"There’s no ‘I’ in team" but there are three 'U's in "shut the f--k up"

The military has its own language. Yet many well-worn phrases often elicit a collective eye roll. With a rich tradition of acronyms, motivational slogans, and words that can befuddle the average civilian, some expressions have become so overused that they have lost all meaning.

So here is Duffel Blog’s guide to the top 10 dumbest military phrases.

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10. Whatever is said by a retired military officer during a media appearance

There’s nothing like a retired colonel or general saying what everyone already knows. Retired military officers have a knack for sounding like Captain Obvious while delivering groundbreaking insights such as, “the best way to win is not to lose.” You know it’s ‘top secret’ commentary when it’s obvious enough to have been lifted straight out of Military Strategy for Dummies.

9. "Secured"

The word "secured" takes on different meanings depending on the branch of service. For the Army, securing a location involves a rigorous approach that includes posting three guards, starting a roving patrol, conducting radio checks every 15 minutes, and holding an after-action review once the task is complete. The Navy and Coast Guard take a more straightforward approach by locking the doors, turning off the lights, and slapping a sign on the door that reads “Underway” before calling it a day. Meanwhile, the Marines take a far more aggressive stance, eliminating everyone inside, declaring the area “hostile-free,” and sometimes sharing their crayon treats during a joint operation. On the other hand, the Air Force and Space Force prefer a more luxurious interpretation by leasing the property, installing plush carpeting, adjustable desks, and a state-of-the-art espresso bar to ensure it’s not only secured but also comfortable.

8. "You eat like you have five assholes"

Working 14-hour shifts and eating nothing but MREs will make anyone a little unhinged. If you’ve seen soldiers tearing into a meal, you’d swear they’d developed extra anatomy just for digesting. Why hold back in a job that demands 110% energy? 

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7. "You’re sticking out like a dick in a pickle jar"

This expression raises eyebrows and is typically aimed at someone drawing excessive attention. If the Army’s parties are bringing up imagery like this, maybe it’s time to rethink the refreshments or just go ahead and stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.

6. "Bottom line up front (BLUF)"
Usually, this phrase is announced just as a senior leader launches into a rambling PowerPoint presentation, with the actual “bottom line” buried somewhere on slide 32. Next time, let’s try skipping the preamble and sticking to the “front” part of the brief.