Fort Cavazos to reinstate English feudal right of Prima Nocta
But only that one time! No affairs allowed.
Ophelia Von
October 27, 2023
Spouses gather for Ft. Cavazos Morale, Welfare, and Recreation “Wife Draft” event
FORT CAVAZOS, Texas — The announcement last week that all criminal charges of sexual abuse were dropped against Col. Jon Meredith has paved the way for Ft. Cavazos leadership to revive the Prima Nocta rite of English feudal lords. Effective immediately, the ancient custom entitles commanders to one night of sexual ‘dibs’ upon the spouses of subordinates.
“This decision was based on an assessment of the many factors guiding every commander in deciding the appropriateness of alternative dispensations,” said III Corps Spokesperson, Lt. Col. Whitney Wurdzalad. “Ft. Cavazos leadership, assesses this incentive as likely to help retain our most virile officers. Plus, it seems like hijinks are going to happen around ‘The Great Place’ anyway, so if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!”
While Army leadership initially questioned the appropriateness of the decision, talent management policies in the face of officer retention issues and an institutional inability to handle sexual misconduct and sexual assault ultimately lead Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to say, “Fuck it. I mean, whatever man. Do what you want. Who even cares at this point?”.
Some Fort Cavazos residents aren’t thrilled with the policy change. “My wife and I are college sweethearts,” said 2nd lt. Billy Wallace said, blinking back tears. “I go to the field next week, so I’ve installed extra locks and told my wife not to open the door to any middle-aged men, especially if they’re holding a bottle of wine or something like that.” Wallace later expressed doubt that any of these precautions would make a difference.
Maj. Philip Iron, currently scheduled to attend the Battalion Command Assessment Program, expressed enthusiasm for the return to the archaic practice. “It’s about time my spouse started working as hard as I do to get a top block OER. Where some non-achievers might see a toxic leadership environment, I see a glide path to promotion.”
Mrs. Lily Zwinger, a battalion commander’s spouse, seemed hesitant to embrace the new rule. “I thought spouse participation was about coffee groups and potlucks,” she said as she flipped through a closet of outfits in her Fort Cavazos home. “This is going to take some getting used to.”
