Fort Irwin to be renamed Fort Hitler
Army insists it’s “a completely different Hitler,” citing strong Union loyalty and bratwurst recipes.
FORT IRWIN, California — Fort Irwin will be renamed to Fort Hitler in honor of Army Cpl. Johann A. Hitler, a German immigrant who served heroically with the Union Army during the Civil War, Army officials announced today.
The decision, approved by a panel of Army historians in line with guidance from President Donald and Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, came after an exhaustive search for underrecognized soldiers who embodied valor, sacrifice, and a name that “just kinda stuck out.”
“Corporal Johann Adolf Hitler — no relation to the, uh, other Hitler — was a stretcher bearer at the Battle of Antietam,” said Hegseth. “He saved dozens of lives under fire and later ran a respectable sausage cart in Cincinnati.”
Hegseth emphasized that Johann Hitler’s military record was “spotless,” and that his unfortunate last name is merely “a historical coincidence that has unfairly fallen out of fashion.”
When questioned by reporters, Army public affairs officers were quick to clarify: “This is not the dictator. This Hitler fought against slavery, loved Abe Lincoln, and once punched a Confederate prisoner in the throat for calling him ‘Hans.’”
“We looked into his postwar record,” said Col. Doug Schaeffer, who served on the panel. “He opened an orphanage, never invaded Poland, and didn’t even yell that much. So, you know — seems fine.”
Still, the name choice drew immediate criticism after the unveiling ceremony, when local veterans and journalists did a double-take at the massive stone sign reading “FORT HITLER: Honoring a Hero, Definitely Not the Other Guy.”
“Look, he was a hero and an entrepreneur,” added Shaeffer, sweating profusely. “So, he has a controversial last name. Nobody's perfect. Not unlike our Commander-in-Chief, who has been quoted, I’ll remind you, as saying he liked Hitler quite a lot.”
Internal documents reveal that the Army’s short list for alternative names included Fort Johnson (already taken), Fort Patrick (considered too Irish), and the president’s favorite, Fort McRib (due to copyright issues). Naming committee sources say they ultimately went with “Hitler” because “no one else had claimed it.”
“If this doesn’t go over well, we’ll pivot to Plan B: Fort DickButt,” said an Army spokesman. “It’s already in the PowerPoint. With animations.”
The controversy over the name Fort Hitler has led the military to adopt a slightly more rigorous vetting process as it continues its base renaming efforts.
“We’re implementing mandatory Wikipedia skims and at least one Google Image Search before we approve anything,” said Schaeffer. “We almost went with Fort Cosby, so really, it could’ve been worse.”
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As a retired Air Force public affairs officer still doing that, you know, public affairs'ing stuff, I am offended by the line that says you irritate public affairs officers. You've never irritated me. Always damn funny stuff.
Don't think that he hasn't considered doing this yet. Strongly.