“There is no place in our Navy for leaders who are animated by human concerns.”

NORFOLK, Va. — In response to what’s being called a “shocking departure from tradition,” Cdr. Paul Johnson of the USS Compassion was officially relieved for treating his sailors like real people. Sources aboard the USS Compassion revealed that Cdr. Johnson’s unconventional approach to Navy leadership using “concern for subordinates’ well-being” sparked confusion and unease among the crew.

“It was bizarre,” said CPO Emily Roberts. “He’d ask us about our feelings and life goals. It’s like he forgot we’re in the Navy. And he made eye contact, which was truly disturbing.”

In a statement issued by Vice Adm. Jason Stoneheart, the Navy criticized Johnson for “excessive displays of humanity” and “creating a dangerously respectful work environment.”

Stoneheart read, “Cdr. Johnson’s behavior is deeply concerning. His insistence on treating sailors as individuals with thoughts and feelings is contrary to the time-honored tradition of viewing them as interchangeable cogs in the machine of the Navy.” Pausing, he asked, “How will we ever justify our recruiting budget if we don’t force out the hundreds of thousands of sailors required to open those positions up?”