Niger's vets show Jan. 6th vets how it’s done at Coup D'état 2023
American insurrectionists slow clapping approaches crescendo
Jan 6? Never heard of it.
US PRISON LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — Military veterans who competed at the January 6th Insurrection have come forward to applaud Niger’s veterans for taking the trophy at this year’s Coup D'état Challenge 2023, an international tournament to overthrow a government.
In a letter released by Warden James W. French, Larry Brock, a retired Air Force Lt. Col. and active duty prisoner who led the U.S. to a win at the Coup D'état Challenge two years ago, wrote, “You gotta hand it to Niger’s grunts for their tenacity. They gave us a scare with their failed revolt in 2021. That one nearly cost us our trophy. Now here we are in 2023 and they’re standing on the podium and the palace steps. It just really points to the importance of believing in a dream.”
Coup D'état Challenge 2023 proved a roaring success for Niger, capturing both the top honors and their president on July 26th. The annual tourney gives restless militias a way to compete without actually fighting each other and is judged by a neutral body in Switzerland.
Navy veteran and UCMJ Article 94 expert Jason Riddle was impressed by Niger’s ability to overthrow their government. “They did it without zip-tie cuffs or yelling about hanging their vice president on Instagram,” he said through his lawyer. “America’s military-grade insurgents will need to ‘up our game’ if we hope to take the prize next year.”
Spenser Rapone, who was kicked out of the Ranger Regiment as an enlisted soldier but graduated from West Point and was commissioned as an officer, explained why Niger beat all expectations this year. “It’s because they stopped fighting for criminally rich capitalists,” the communist incursion expert wrote on Twitter. “Niger’s troops now wear a Che Guevara T-shirt under their uniforms!” Rapone said is not ideologically aligned with most January 6 insurrectionists but, “the enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that.”
Even near veterans who participated in the Coup D'état Challenge two years ago praised Niger’s success this year. Jared Adams, an Ohio man who proudly deployed himself to his nation’s capitol said, “I almost joined but I would have punched a drill sergeant in the face. But I am a big supporter of a strong military and it’s good to see a politicized military step up and forcefully take power from a duly elected official. We need more of that kind of thing to ensure America remains a beacon of freedom”
Howard Richardson, a Vietnam veteran who competed in the javelin throw at the January 6th Insurrection wondered if the more successful coup in Niger had to do with natural athleticism amongst the African nation’s veterans. Richardson, who assures all the white people he spends time with that he is not racist said, “Hell, I’d like to see some of those Alabama Blacks — who make some of the best players in the SEC, just ask Tuberville — step up and ‘run the ball’ the next time a group of American citizens decided to subvert the peaceful transition of power. ”
Navy veteran and democracy naysayer Jacob Chansley commended Niger’s junta for its win. “Even though it’s no longer fashionable for me to say we did what we had to because President Donald Trump was fighting a cabal of Satan-worshipping, child sex trafficking cannibals, I see kindred spirits in the people who deposed President Mohammed Bazoum.” Chansley then excused himself to howl at a full moon.
But not everyone who competed at the January 6th Insurrection was impressed with Niger taking the trophy at Coup D'état Challenge 2023.
Though not a veteran, paramilitary leader and federal snitch Henry “Enrique” Tarrio interrupted a Duffel Blog interview with Army veteran Jessica Watkins to say, “They only succeeded because Niger is one of those ‘shit hole’ countries. A child with a toy gun can overthrow one.”
Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who competed in the 2003 Iraqi Freedom Championships as a combat admin clerk.
