WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has changed the name of Fort Huachuca, Arizona, to Fort Hawk Tua, sources confirmed today. The change comes after what officials vaguely described as an extensive and highly classified review process.
Anonymous sources from the Pentagon hinted at a combination of factors for the name change that included a misinterpreted suggestion from a visiting civilian consultant, an unusually high number of hawk sightings in the vicinity of the fort, and a junior staffer’s persistent mispronunciation of the installation’s original name during high-level briefings.
The decision has been met with a mixture of bewilderment and muted amusement within the ranks. Many service members have adopted a wait-and-see approach, while others have already begun incorporating the new name into their daily lexicon with a high degree of sarcasm.
Lt. Col. Mike Flint, commander of the 2nd Battalion, 13th Aviation Battalion stationed at the newly christened Fort Hawk Tua, offered an assessment of the situation.
"It doesn't matter what the name is Jabroni!'," he commented during an off-the-record interview conducted near the post's newly repainted welcome sign. "But changing the name of this installation feels like we're one bad PowerPoint presentation away from being on the evening news for all the wrong reasons."
The renaming ceremony was a subdued event held beneath the unforgiving Arizona sun, attended by a confused formation and one malfunctioning PA system. A brief statement from Fort Huachuca’s public affairs officer, Capt. Amanda “Obvious” Pelkoski, praised the Pentagon’s “embrace of evolutionary, future-adaptive branding strategies to advance postmodern alignment with generational semiotics.” Much like Pelkoski herself, the cringeworthy statement did not make sense nor clarify what “Hawk Tua” means.
Haliey Welch, better known to the internet as the “Hawk Tuah Girl,” was flown in as the ceremony’s Cultural Alignment Ambassador. Dressed in borrowed OCPs and a pair of Oakleys three sizes too large, Welch delivered an impromptu keynote from the back of a Humvee.
“Y’all just gotta hawk tuah and spit on that thang,” she said, to a round of unsure applause and one major in the back whispering, “Is that doctrine now?”
