FORT DRUM, N.Y. — A platoon leader with 2nd Platoon Charlie Co., 2-22 Infantry Regiment was recently hospitalized for more than five days without a single person in his unit noticing he was missing, Duffel Blog has learned.

Having been sideswiped by a drunk driver on Thursday, Lt. Sherman Park, a motivated graduate of the United States Military Academy, suffered eight broken ribs, a fractured left orbital, and a punctured lung. His brain also incurred a significant amount of swelling.

“I was shocked as hell to find out,” said Specialist Jesus Montoya, Park’s Radio Telephone Operator (RTO). "The guy usually walks in and hands me some shitty notes scrawled on a piece of paper and tells me to turn it into a Power Point slide. I just figured that he finally decided to do his own work.”

As Park lingered in the hospital between life and death, his platoon executed both a live-fire range, as well as 24 hours of land navigation, all without receiving a single piece of misunderstood guidance, or contradictory instructions. The unit was even released on time without another pointless meeting to discuss everything that had already been covered in the safety briefing.

Staff Sgt. Marvin Wallace, Park’s 1st Squad Leader, was equally surprised. “We did a platoon run this morning and I didn’t hear the PL shrieking for someone to call cadence 'the West Point way.' We just all hoped he realized how fucking lame it was.”

The only person not surprised was Park’s platoon sergeant, Sergeant First Class Victor Burns.

“Fuck yeah I knew he was gone. I realized it after I made it through an entire day without a stupid-ass question about a piece of equipment, or the best ways to earn the respect of his ‘men’. Best fucking day of my life,” he said, smiling before spitting a large wad of tobacco onto the floor underneath his platoon leader’s chair.

“There’s no way in hell I was going to tell anyone else about it. Too bad the CO wanted him to do the monthly inventory. That’s how they finally found out he was in the hospital.”

At press time, Park had returned to his unit with absolutely no fanfare, as most of his soldiers still had not realized he had been gone.