Pope dies rather than spend 15 more minutes with a POG
Anonymous clergy sources confirmed that Francis had reviewed Vance’s background and uttered the words “Not today, Satan."
VATICAN CITY — Tragedy struck the Catholic world on Monday after His Holiness Pope Francis unexpectedly passed away — really this time — so he could avoid spending any more time with American POG Vice President J.D. Vance.
Though Vatican officials insist the timing of the Pope’s death was “purely coincidental,” anonymous clergy sources confirmed that Francis had reviewed Vance’s background, uttered the words “Not today, Satan,” and reportedly flatlined mere hours after being shown a PowerPoint read-ahead from Vance titled “Freedom, Guns, and Family Values: A Vice Presidential Vision.”
Vance, a former Marine combat correspondent turned political figure and religious performance hobbyist, was disappointed that he could not use more images of himself with the Pope for more political capital.
“It was clear the Pope had questions,” the Pope’s second-in-command, Cardinal Pietro Parolin, told reporters. “He’d recently preached about leaders who ‘invert the divine order of love to place nationalism before neighbor.’ He didn’t name names. But then again, he didn’t have to. Oh, you want me to name a name? The Pope meant American Vice President Vance. Explicitly. We all thought that was pretty clear.”
The Pope on Sunday hosted Vance for a brief photo opportunity before rolling his eyes and rapidly leaving the room. Vance was then greeted by Parolin, who graciously handed Vance a children’s illustrated Bible and began a 101-level crash course on “actual Catholic values,” including charity, mercy, and how love isn’t just a word you attach to policy ideas that definitely aren’t loving.
Vance — whose Catholic conversion, like a spiritual LinkedIn endorsement, followed closely behind his ascent to higher office — has raised eyebrows with frequent references to faith that feel more Judeo-Christian aesthetic than actual Gospel ethic.
“Mr. Vice President was very receptive,” Parolin said. “Though he did ask if Jesus believed in deportation, which threw me off for a second because he asked me that with a straight face. That eyeliner was just searing itself into me. The Vice President also brought up his Iraq deployment seven times.”
The meeting ended abruptly when Parolin asked Vance if he was aware that his wife’s parents were immigrants from India.
Vance, who served in the Marine Corps from 2003 to 2007 as a combat correspondent, deployed to Iraq in late 2005 for six months — a fact his political biography highlights as if it were the Passion of the Christ. Despite never having served in the infantry or done anything even mildly interesting, Vance has since leveraged his service as a source of spiritual and strategic gravitas, often blending faith, trauma, and vague tactical metaphors into his speeches.
Critics, however, note that his deployment hardship seems to have peaked around issues with WiFi and fatigue from the chow hall menu. “He deployed, sure,” said one anonymous Marine infantryman. “But so did the Starbucks kiosk near Camp Fallujah.”
The Pope’s death has now overshadowed the visit entirely. World leaders and religious communities are in mourning, reflecting on a papacy defined by humility, compassion, and a dogged refusal to spiritualize cruelty for the sake of politics.
At press time, Vice President Vance released a statement offering “thoughts and prayers.” He then quoted Thomas Aquinas — or perhaps an episode of Touched by an Angel — and concluded by reminding everyone of his deployment to Iraq. Again.
When asked if he would attend the conclave to select the next pope, Vance said he was “open to it,” but would be consulting with his spiritual advisors — and his publicist.
Gray Sea Liu contributed to reporting.
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OMG I needed the laugh and the smile that you brought to me today. You put this one over the top. THANK YOU well done my friend
Of all the "JD Vance killed the pope" angels (sic) to take, this has been the best. I'm old enough to remember when DoD handed out hardship pay because the bases in Iraq only offered Green Bean coffee and not Starbucks. Not at the MEK, of course. Tray-rats and shower trailers that sometimes electrocuted people to death were the only luxury there.