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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Wednesday, 30 September 2026

Army

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

Pentagon says clogged fixture brings “continuity, stability and ability to swallow enormous amounts of shit”

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

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Vol. 15 · No. 117

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Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Deployed worldwide

Wednesday

30 September 2026

1909 Zulu

Next edition Friday

← Front page
· Page 2

Transition success! This retiring Colonel started a career flipping bases

"Where did they get all this taupe paint?"

Filed · 0827

It’s a fixer-upper

FORT LIBERTY, N.C.—Colonel Howard Ratner is retiring soon, following a successful Infantry career leading units from platoon to brigade level. His greatest challenge, however, is still ahead of him. Ratner is building a business buying, rehabilitating, and selling neglected DOD garrisons for profit.

As a retired Colonel, with 30 years of service, a 100% disability rating, and a 100% Combat-Related Special Compensation award, Ratner has a post-tax annual income of $142,473.48. His budget is $33 million.

Ratner says, “I was inspired by Tyler Perry’s purchase of Fort McPherson. Sure he’s insanely wealthy from playing an old lady and I have a defined benefit annuity based on inhaling burn pits and getting blown up outside of Mosul, but some of these military transition programs are just giving away money.”

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