The face of the people’s paradise

PYONGYANG, North Korea – The North Korean Central News Agency announced a new program by President Kim Jong Un intended to kill anyone who intends to kill themselves. The program comes on the heels of a report by Radio Free Asia on rising suicide rates in North Korea.

In a statement filmed at the historic Mt. Paektu, Kim addressed his people directly after arriving on screen riding a white unicorn. “Suicides grieve me as your Supreme Leader. They are acts of treason against socialism and just plain mean. We are the happiest nation in the world, right behind China. To keep that status we need people who are alive because only I have the ability to know if someone is still happy after they’re dead.”

The Central News Agency stated Kim’s view that citizens considering suicide require reeducation on socialist principles and “the joy of living in the world’s strongest economy with the most healthy diet, fighting American war maniacs and their vassals day after day, year after year, decade after decade.”

The new program will “temporarily relocate” anyone contemplating suicide to a reeducation camp until they demonstrate a proper dedication to anti-capitalist theory, or “until they die an honorable death from starvation, exposure or torture. Whichever comes first,” said the Central News report.