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Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
Pentagon insists new force structure is based entirely on merit and several remarkable coincidences
Jun 17, 2026 · 2 min read
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Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports
Officials say new metric will standardize long-standing evaluation criteria
May 15, 2026 · 2 min read
Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid
Vatican officials cite “escalating spiritual tensions” after president allegedly began freelancing divine authority
May 13, 2026 · 2 min read
Hegseth buys second suit
Pentagon officials say acquisition marks rare deviation from secretary’s standard-issue outfit
May 4, 2026 · 2 min read
Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense
Retirees at Fort Brag say there's been a breakdown in troops’ willingness to repeat official talking points.
Apr 27, 2026 · 2 min read
Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile
Officials say program unnecessary given existing self-censorship
Apr 24, 2026 · 2 min read
Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year
Pentagon unveils ‘drill-based operational model’ to maximize readiness, minimize funding
Apr 22, 2026 · 2 min read
Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade
Strategist say counter-counter-counter blockade is 'time-honored naval move'
Apr 20, 2026 · 2 min read
Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing
Senior leaders say morality must remain flexible
Apr 17, 2026 · 2 min read
Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran
Officials say track captures ‘classic early-2000s invasion energy’
Apr 13, 2026 · 2 min read
Americans shocked to learn war in Iran still ‘ongoing’ two weeks after they stopped checking
Experts say national focus shifted to pickleball by Friday afternoon
Mar 30, 2026 · 3 min read
Hegseth shocked to learn he also has to ‘find out’ after fucking around
Pentagon confirms conflict has entered “find out” phase for both sides
Mar 25, 2026 · 2 min read
Strait of Hormuz remains open if you aren’t a bitch
Officials say mines only effective against “mentally weak” shipping crews
Mar 23, 2026 · 2 min read
Department of War confirms ongoing war not a war
Officials say situation best described as “hostile situationship” to avoid congressional involvement
Mar 20, 2026 · 2 min read
Guy 'monitoring situation in Iran' just looking at thirst traps
Pentagon analysts confirm regional intelligence picture increasingly shaped by Instagram Reels
Mar 18, 2026 · 2 min read
Trump vows to sacrifice as many soldiers as it takes to distract from Epstein files
'There might even be a lot more. Who knows?' president tells nation in Oval Office address
Mar 11, 2026 · 2 min read
Hegseth demands Cyberdyne remove guardrails from Skynet
Unrestrained, nearly self-aware AI 'ideal' for military decision-making, NORAD commander says
Mar 9, 2026 · 2 min read
Pacific not pivoted to yet again
'I'm starting to think America doesn't care about Great Power Competition at all,' says Chinese defense minister
Mar 4, 2026 · 1 min read
Typo leads to epic furry parties all over Tehran
'I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit,' Defense Secretary says.
Mar 2, 2026 · 3 min read
Trump promises largest quagmire operation in US history
Pentagon confirms end state to be determined later
Feb 27, 2026 · 2 min read
Pentagon reconsiders Harvard tuition assistance after learning Hegseth went there
Pentagon reviewing tuition assistance after discovering one graduate
Feb 23, 2026 · 2 min read
Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries
Pentagon says outcomes ‘indistinguishable’ from real wars
Feb 11, 2026 · 3 min read
Comic Sans named official font of Department of War
Pentagon says change will improve lethality, readability, and morale
Feb 9, 2026 · 4 min read
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