Hegseth asks staff to make next execution more like ‘The Running Man’

ARLINGTON, Va. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed Pentagon officials to develop a new execution program modeled after The Running Man, arguing that hunting condemned prisoners through a televised obstacle course would be more humane and significantly more entertaining than a conventional firing squad.

"The president canceled the livestream because it wasn't fucking badass enough, dude," Hegseth told reporters. "People don't want to sit around watching some guy get shot. They want action. They want suspense. They want lethality."

Under the proposal, condemned prisoners would be released into an elaborate arena and pursued by heavily-armed military personnel known as Stalkers. Prisoners who successfully reach the exit would be granted their freedom.

The entire event would be livestreamed for $49.99.

"It's actually very fair," Hegseth said. "We're giving these guys a fighting chance. That's way more than they deserve."

Pentagon officials said the idea emerged after President Donald Trump canceled plans to broadcast the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan.

"We originally wanted Hasan to run the course," Hegseth said. "Unfortunately, the engineers told us we'd have to make the whole thing ADA compliant."

The Daily Wire's film division has reportedly agreed to construct the arena, provided it includes a prominent Christian cross and sufficient opportunities for product placement.

Former Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher has signed a six-figure contract to serve as the program's first Stalker.

"He's got the experience, the name recognition and the right attitude," Hegseth said. "Most importantly, he doesn't need a lot of supervision."

Preliminary designs call for seven themed chambers, a number selected to reflect the biblical significance of creation. Each chamber would feature increasingly difficult obstacles, hidden passageways, and armed Stalkers wearing elaborate costumes.

One room would be modeled after the Battle of Fallujah. Another would resemble a military barracks inspection, with contestants required to locate a missing serialized item before being permitted to advance.

The secretary said his inspiration came partly from the dystopian novel Chain-Gang All-Stars and the film adaptations of The Running Man.

"I haven't read the book, obviously," Hegseth said. "But somebody told me it's about criminals fighting to the death for entertainment, and I said, 'Why the hell aren't we doing that?'"

Pentagon officials acknowledged that both works portray such spectacles as symptoms of profoundly dysfunctional societies.

Hegseth dismissed the criticism.

"Hollywood always makes the military look bad," he said. "We're taking the concept and putting an American flag on it."

At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed that no prisoner had yet survived the course, though three had successfully completed it before being disqualified for failing to submit a DTS voucher.