KABUL, Afghanistan — Despite a pledge by President Joe Biden to withdraw all American troops from Afghanistan by Sept 11, 2021, absolutely no one is “leaving this shithole until every piece of brass is cleaned up from my AOR,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Army Michael Grinston in a sternly worded announcement.

“Yeah, I know what the boss said,” Grinston barked at every single enlisted soldier in Afghanistan. “You let me worry about that. But I can promise you that not one swinging dick is boarding a plane until this place is spotless.”

The sergeant major, who has deployed to Afghanistan on multiple occasions, was not taking any guff. “Am I clear?” he asked.

Some have complained to Army Chief of Staff Gen. James C. McConville about Grinston’s directive. But the general didn’t appear eager to challenge his senior noncommissioned officer.