The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.

All right, listen up.

The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.

And nobody is going home until it’s clean.

Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. 

I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.

It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.

Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.

Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean.

And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.

Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.

Now, here’s the plan.

First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. 

Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.

Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and...

Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.

For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.

Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.

Now fall in for formation.

I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.

Wait.

Where’s Wallace?

He went on a dinner run?

No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.