THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.
The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body.
"Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."
The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.
Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside.
"We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.
Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.
Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging counties among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea.
"Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."
Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country.
"He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."
