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Report: Venezuela strike ordered after Maduro ‘failed weight standards’
Defense secretary reportedly cites ‘global lack of standards’ as destabilizing force
Jan 16, 2026 · 3 min read
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Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse
“We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable," an official said.
Jan 2, 2026 · 3 min read
Pentagon strikes 'narco-terrorist' sleigh, reindeer off Venezuela coast
Notorious home invader finally neutralized in Christmas Eve strike, officials say.
Dec 25, 2025 · 4 min read
Hegseth blames fog of war after wrapping car around tree
Pentagon staff unsure whether to update safety briefs or call a meteorologist.
Dec 22, 2025 · 3 min read
Nation that doesn’t care about Russian war crimes also doesn’t care about American war crimes
“Unless it tastes good or looks cool, I am completely out of fucks to give,” said one citizen.
Dec 15, 2025 · 4 min read
Hegseth says he supports contributions of ‘colored troops and broads’
Despite lacking a Ranger tab, defense secretary critiques women who earned theirs
Dec 12, 2025 · 3 min read
Hegseth disappointed sexual assault training only covers prevention
Defense Secretary allegedly confused training for a ‘how-to’ seminar.
Dec 10, 2025 · 2 min read
Duffel Blog presents: 10 other things Admiral bradley is solely responsible for
Admiral also responsible for 90% of what’s wrong with America
Dec 8, 2025 · 6 min read
Accountability! DoD IG fired over Hegseth Signal-gate report
SECDEF roots out deep state bureaucrats pushing radical left ideologies of law and ethics.
Dec 5, 2025 · 3 min read
Pentagon recalls Hegseth to active duty for violating most of the UCMJ
“He promised accountability,” says lawyer holding 3,000-page indictment.
Dec 1, 2025 · 4 min read
Hegseth demands female service members treat all orders as lawful
The policy was praised by creepy E-7s going through their second divorce.
Nov 28, 2025 · 3 min read
Pentagon says US has ‘turned a corner’ in war on America
Insurgents reportedly retreating into suburbs to secure oat milk supplies
Nov 14, 2025 · 4 min read
True patriot: Hegseth maintains BAC of .1776 at all times
"Being perpetually blitzed isn’t medically advisable,” said a Navy doctor. “But behaviorally? It tracks.”
Nov 10, 2025 · 4 min read
Cash-strapped Pentagon downgrades to military service with ads
After each crossing at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, sentinels now scream “AFLAC!”
Nov 7, 2025 · 3 min read
Top 10 things SECDEF is spending money on while you’re not getting paid
It's nice to know he's having the time of his life.
Nov 5, 2025 · 5 min read
Secretary is a lady job, says newly-minted CEO of War
Hegseth expected to ring Pentagon bell at close of every operation.
Oct 29, 2025 · 3 min read
Anonymous donor gives Pentagon 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen to pay troops
Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans
Oct 27, 2025 · 3 min read
Top 10 things you can’t buy because you're not getting paid
Congress assures troops that poverty builds character.
Oct 13, 2025 · 4 min read
Handwritten ‘no girls aloud’ sign spotted outside Joint Chiefs’ treehouse
Sources confirm women still permitted in actual Pentagon, for now
Oct 10, 2025 · 3 min read
Leaked agenda outlines schedule for generals’ meeting at Quantico
Generals brace for height/weight checks, essay contests, and trial by combat
Sep 30, 2025 · 4 min read
Master strategist Pete Hegseth to gather all US military leaders in same place at same time
Defense secretary insists meeting is secure because it’s on Google Calendar as “Private”
Sep 29, 2025 · 4 min read
Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt
Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’
Sep 22, 2025 · 3 min read
Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOM
DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint
Sep 17, 2025 · 4 min read
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