True patriot: Hegseth maintains BAC of .1776 at all times

"Being perpetually blitzed isn’t medically advisable,” said a Navy doctor. “But behaviorally? It tracks.”

Nov 10, 2025 · 4 min read

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Cash-strapped Pentagon downgrades to military service with ads

After each crossing at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, sentinels now scream “AFLAC!”

Nov 7, 2025 · 3 min read

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Top 10 things SECDEF is spending money on while you’re not getting paid

It's nice to know he's having the time of his life.

Nov 5, 2025 · 5 min read

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Secretary is a lady job, says newly-minted CEO of War

Hegseth expected to ring Pentagon bell at close of every operation.

Oct 29, 2025 · 1 min read

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Anonymous donor gives Pentagon 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen to pay troops

Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans

Oct 27, 2025 · 3 min read

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Top 10 things you can’t buy because you're not getting paid

Congress assures troops that poverty builds character.

Oct 13, 2025 · 4 min read

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Handwritten ‘no girls aloud’ sign spotted outside Joint Chiefs’ treehouse

Sources confirm women still permitted in actual Pentagon, for now

Oct 10, 2025 · 3 min read

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Leaked agenda outlines schedule for generals’ meeting at Quantico

Generals brace for height/weight checks, essay contests, and trial by combat

Sep 30, 2025 · 4 min read

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Master strategist Pete Hegseth to gather all US military leaders in same place at same time

Defense secretary insists meeting is secure because it’s on Google Calendar as “Private”

Sep 29, 2025 · 4 min read

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Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt

Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’

Sep 22, 2025 · 3 min read

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Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOM

DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint

Sep 17, 2025 · 4 min read

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US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of 'big booty Latinas'

Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97

Sep 15, 2025 · 3 min read

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Newly renamed Secretary of War briefly feels something other than crippling insecurity

Secretary of War orders maximum lethality, receives minimum validation

Sep 12, 2025 · 3 min read

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Department of War loses access to $1 trillion DoD budget after name change

Check rejected after department fails standard government name verification form

Sep 10, 2025 · 2 min read

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Pentagon finds Hegseth pullups as root cause of failures in Iraq, Afghanistan

Audit finds lack of dead hang directly correlated with collapse of two nations

Aug 29, 2025 · 3 min read

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Chimp hanging upside down from lectern named new Pentagon spokesman

Banana tariffs, China, and showing his butt top agenda for new flack

Aug 20, 2025 · 3 min read

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Pete Hegseth thrown onto court at WNBA game

Police officer removes SECDEF using towel and rubber gloves

Aug 11, 2025 · 2 min read

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DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to triangle

"The DoD is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.”

Jul 25, 2025 · 4 min read

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Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef

General returns to find ICE in museums, POWs in Ukraine, and the Constitution on vacation.

Jul 21, 2025 · 4 min read

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8 tattoos you can get under new Hegseth policy

Good news: Tattoos of Pete Hegseth depicted “in the Greek Style” are now allowed.

Jul 16, 2025 · 5 min read

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Iran rebranded 'Pepsistan' in new Pepsi-Pentagon strategic partnership

U.S. military now powered by freedom, capitalism, and high-fructose corn syrup

Jul 11, 2025 · 3 min read

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US accidentally re-invades Iraq

Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray

Jun 25, 2025 · 3 min read

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