WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven.
“It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or beardos in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.”
“But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his Threads feed, “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.”
Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research.
“Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.”
Pentagon officials later clarified that this is not how either semen or etymology works.
Former Sen. Lindsey Graham, who died last month, was contacted for comment via Ouija board.
“AHHHHH! IT BURNS!” Graham said before the planchette slowly spelled out, “A STRONG MILITARY IS A MASCULINE MILITARY.”
Hegseth nodded approvingly before burning the board.
“Exactly,” he said. “The goal is lethality. And how are we supposed to annex Canada if our troops can’t engage in a little close-quarters bilateral cooperation?”
Former Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti questioned the strategic logic.
“Look, I watched Heated Rivalry. I understand the appeal,” Franchetti said. “The guys are cute. But you cannot construct U.S. force posture around how much the secretary enjoys a gay hockey show. We used to be a serious country.”
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine appeared exhausted when asked whether he supported the new interpretation.
“Jesus, this again?” Caine said.
According to Caine, Hegseth began sending him Heated Rivalry clips around New Year’s.
“I told him my daughter liked the show,” Caine said. “I thought that would end the conversation. Instead, Pete started sending me Threads links, fan edits, and whatever the hell a ‘Shilya’ is.”
Caine said Hegseth soon became especially interested in Shane Hollander, the American hockey player portrayed in the series.
“He told me the American kid needed to be in uniform,” Caine said. “Then he said it was his personal mission to breed him—”
Caine paused.
“Draft. He said draft. Put draft in the transcript.”
Asked whether Hegseth’s fixation had influenced actual defense policy, Caine poured himself a double whiskey.
“Look, I just work here,” he said. “But Pete is suddenly much more enthusiastic about annexing Canada because he thinks that means we get the Russian one too somehow.”
Caine stared silently into his glass.
“I remember when I used to have dreams.”
CommentOpen to paying subscribers
Discussion is open to paying subscribers
Supporters of the paper take part in the discussion under every story. Contributions appear under the name you give and are read by the desk.