THE PENTAGON — Senior military officials warned this week that the United States is rapidly exhausting its strategic supply of fucks given, raising concerns that the force may soon lack sufficient fucks to sustain the war with Iran while deterring China.

“We knew munitions were getting tight,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “What nobody anticipated was the burn rate on fucks.”

According to officials, the shortage cuts across every service and rank.

“We’re low on tactical fucks at the unit level, operational fucks at the combatant commands, and strategic fucks here in Washington,” Parnell said. “Frankly, the Pentagon is approaching what planners call No Fucks Remaining, or NFR.”

Officials said six months of war with Iran dramatically accelerated the decline.

“You can triple Patriot production. You can quadruple THAAD production,” said one senior defense official. “But you cannot surge a staff sergeant’s will to live on a multiyear procurement contract.”

The official said the Pentagon compounded the problem by prematurely disposing of experienced fuck reserves during a sweeping turnover of senior military leadership.

“We had generals with 30 or 40 years of institutional fucks stored up,” he said. “Then we fired half of them because they gave a fuck about the wrong things.”

Officials said several replacements arrived with abundant enthusiasm but were later determined to possess “high quantities of confidence with negligible fuck content.”

The shortage has become particularly acute as military planners simultaneously manage the Iran war, depleted weapons inventories, deteriorating infrastructure, and preparations for a possible future conflict in the Pacific.

“China is the pacing threat,” said retired Army Col. Eric Halvorsen, a defense analyst. “If we expend every remaining fuck in CENTCOM, what are we supposed to give INDOPACOM?”

Halvorsen said the Pentagon spent decades neglecting what he called the fuck-industrial base.

“We assumed fucks were basically infinite,” he said. “You'd commission a lieutenant, issue him a CAC card, and somehow five years later he'd [cliffhanger] still care about something.”

“That assumption was catastrophically wrong.”

There is one encouraging sign.

After years of recruiting difficulties, the services are once again bringing large numbers of young Americans into uniform, providing the military with its first significant supply of virgin fucks in years.

“The average 18-year-old recruit arrives with an astonishing number of fucks to give,” Parnell said. “They care about fitness. They care about doing a good job. Some of them actually believe their chain of command knows what it's doing.”

He paused.

“Obviously, retention is our concern.”

Army researchers estimate that basic training consumes relatively few fucks, but the first permanent duty station can deplete a soldier’s reserves within months through repeated motor-pool formations, barracks mold, online training, weekend recalls, and being told at 1630 that nobody is going home until an unspecified task is complete.

“One poorly planned command-maintenance Monday can burn through fucks faster than Iran burns through Shahed drones,” said one Army official.

Pentagon planners are considering several emergency measures, including recycling previously expended fucks, purchasing fucks from allied nations, and invoking the Defense Production Act to compel American industry to give a shit.

Officials cautioned that foreign supplies may also be limited.

“The Ukrainians used to have fucks to spare,” Halvorsen said. “Then they spent four years fighting Russia while we held meetings about whether they were using them efficiently.”

Hegseth dismissed concerns about the shortage.

“We have more fucks than anybody,” he said. “Beautiful fucks. Lethal fucks. We're manufacturing fucks at levels nobody has ever seen.”

At press time, President Trump had reportedly ordered an investigation to determine who leaked the classified location of America’s remaining fucks.