FREE EDITION

You're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported.

THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it.

After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table.

This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas.

Fortunately, Duffel Blog does.

1. Surrender

Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices.

Just call it a “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction."

2. Move the goalposts

Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club?

Change them.

Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.”

Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable.

3. Redefine everything

Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient.

A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges.

Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.”

Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You��re overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?”

4. Turn the war off and back on again

Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict.

If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself.

5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums

War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents.

They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it.

6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran

Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them.

While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs.

This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint.

7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate

The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner.

Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and...