TEHRAN — In a shocking reversal, a spokesman for the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran admitted the country does have a nuclear weapons program but its leaders only intend to use them for hunting and home defense.

“Look, there is a lot of negative press around nukes these days,” Behruz Kamalvandi told reporters as he loaded a few warheads into the bed of his pickup truck and closed the tailgate. “But nuclear weapons don’t kill people, people kill people. We only want to use these puppies for hunting deer, ibex, and those pesky Sunnis in our backyard.”

Kamalvandi was responding to reporters who asked why Iran was enriching uranium up to 60% following an apparent attack on the Iranian nuclear facility at Natanz.

“Plus, we live in a dangerous neighborhood,” Kamalvandi continued. “We can’t just sit back and wait on the ‘world police’ if some other country’s military or their commercial passenger jet violates our sovereignty. Hell, the United States has been ‘helping’ two of our neighbors for the past 20 years and we’ve all seen how that’s gone.”