WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower.
The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember.
They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy.
To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went.
The wars that followed
Meet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in Afghanistan
At a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised.
Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspired
The post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity.
Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractor
America’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes.
9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military members
The military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.”
Never forget
Marine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anything
The national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories.
Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New York
After years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status.
Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’
Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement.
SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare hands
The United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength.
The conspiracy front remains active
‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11
Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early.
CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside job
For years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment.
9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling building
Investigators described the incident as structurally significant.
At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened.
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