SOMEWHERE UNDERGROUND — A local conspiracy theorist believes that the recent events around the world are "just the beginning," sources have confirmed.

"Things are about to kick off," said Ian Landis, a self-proclaimed dissident intellectual, for the 1,260th time since September 11, 2001. "The attack in Las Vegas is nothing compared to what is coming."

Landis began his foray into conspiracy theories 16 years ago when, as a tourist outside the White House on 9/11, he witnessed an E-4B National Airborne Operations Center ("Doomsday Plane") incidentally flying over Washington, D.C. while the attacks were happening. The subsequent passage of the Patriot Act and proliferation of fringe hypotheses about that day only energized his obsession.