Terminally ill vet gets wish to jerk it one last time in Iraq

American hero can only orgasm at 105 degrees amidst the smell of blue fluid

Respect the process: please don’t knock.

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a heartwarming tale of determination and nostalgia, terminally ill veteran Sgt. Max Johnson achieved his final wish: to embark on one last “solo mission” in the cradle of civilization — Iraq.

“I’ve tried rubbing one out in a sauna, but it just isn’t the same — that, and I keep getting kicked out of gyms. There’s something about the adrenaline rush in the sandbox that just can’t be replicated back here at home,” Max said. “I needed to feel that one last time.”

Johnson, a seasoned veteran of multiple combat tours in Iraq, initially expressed his unusual final request to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which promptly denied him his desire. Frustrated and backed up, Johnson approached the Hooters in his hometown, Wilmington, NC. The restaurant staff took Max up on the adventure and sponsored the trip, gathering enough tip cash in a single stroke to firm up Johnson’s plans and lubricate his forward movement.

Initially perplexed by the unique request, The Pentagon eventually gave a green light to what it now sees as a unique opportunity to swell morale. “We’ve airlifted people for stranger reasons,” confessed an anonymous Pentagon official. “Plus, making Johnson feel big one last time was the least we could do. It was great to see him stand up straighter.”

“Operation Final Tent Pitch” saw Johnson discreetly flown into a secure location in the Iraqi desert. Equipped with his favorite early 2000s FHM magazine — a rare collector’s item he referred to as his “lucky charm” — the former mortar man set out to relive the glory days of his youth.