Veteran hospitalized after attempting to simultaneously stand for flag, kneel for cross
It's a VET THING, you wouldn't understand.
America has seen a spike in tire cover-inspired injuries since 2016.
CASTLE ROCK, Co - A local man was hospitalized with serious injuries today after a failed attempt to stand for the flag while at the exact same moment kneeling for the cross.
“I’ve seen some pretty mind-blowing things in my day,” said Joe Stevens, the first attending paramedic on the scene. “But sweet Jesus, this was unintelligent.” Stevens described the injuries suffered by 53-year-old Persian Gulf War veteran Grant Stander as “painful” and “completely unnecessary.”
Stander, whose full-time job appears to be waving an American flag from an overpass on Interstate 25 south of Denver, was sitting on a park bench reading up on the latest products he should boycott when, he said, a “killer Wrangler” drove by with "this badass tire cover” depicting an American flag in the shape of a cross adorned by the words, “stand for the flag, kneel for the cross.”
“I’m a man of action,” Stander uttered from a full-body cast. “I wasn’t going to just sit there and ignore clear, honorable instructions on how to fulfill my patriotic and Christian duties while people are still out there wearing Nike clothes…” he trailed off, before adding, “Back when America was great, they had a slogan, ‘Just do it.’ I just went for it.”
“By ‘just went for it,’” said Dr. Sara Blakeley, Chief of Orthopedic Surgery for University of Colorado Medicine, “Mr. Stander means that he leaped into the air from the bench with his legs in a kneeling position, back arched and shoulders pinned back as though ‘standing at attention,’ and arms braced by his sides like an experienced Irish step dancer.”
“The result, I’m told," said Stevens, the first paramedic to treat Stander, “was Stander briefly going weightless in the air - much the way Wiley Coyote does before meeting disaster - then crashing to the pavement in a gruesome combination of swan-dive, lunge, and bracing at attention.”
Stander received injuries from “the bottom of his feet to the top of his skull,” says Dr. Blakeley, “all of which, I should add, are so very stupid.”
Stevens concurred, commenting that, “I’ve never seen such a dumb collection of injuries,” adding, “It’s like an episode of ‘When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong’ from Chappelle’s Show.”
Asked if he has any regrets, Stander reports, “I only regret that I have but one achilles tendon, two kneecaps, an MCL, two ACLs, three ribs, five vertebrae, a nose, and a cranium to give for my sense of moral superiority.”
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