Applebee’s admits its heart just isn’t in it anymore

We'll always have the Dollaritas

It’s not us, it’s you

NATIONWIDE, America — In a heartrending turn of events reminiscent of a disillusioned spouse in a loveless marriage, Applebee’s has confessed to losing its affection for the military, citing years of debauchery and unrequited love as the main culprits. 

“Oh, sure. Twice a year we get all worked up and it’s all ‘thank you for your service’ this, and ‘enjoy your complimentary margarita’ that. But then what? Where’s the passion?” lamented an Applebee’s spokesperson.

For years, Applebee’s has been the go-to establishment for military members, looking for discounts and free meals on Veterans Day and Armed Forces Day. However, the chain has grown weary of the one-sided relationship, feeling more like a convenience than a cherished partner.

“It’s like we’re just here for them when they need a cheap date night or want to celebrate a promotion with half-off appetizers,” the spokesperson added. “But do they ever ask how our day was? Or how we feel about constantly cleaning up after their rowdy celebrations? No, it’s always about them. You have no idea how much veteran vomit has been spilled within these hallowed walls. Too much.”

The breaking point, according to insiders, was the increasingly raucous behavior of some service members. Reports of uniformed patrons partaking in drunken karaoke renditions of ‘The Ballad of the Green Berets’, arm-wrestling contests that ended in tears, and impromptu ‘who can eat the most Riblets’ challenges have left the family-friendly chain feeling exploited.

“We remember the days when it was just about a quiet dinner, a few laughs, and maybe an artful flirtation over the BBQ brisket tacos,” reminisced the spokesperson. “Now, it’s all spilled drinks, loud arguments over which branch is better, and uncomfortably passionate debates about who had the toughest boot camp. And don’t let us lead you to believe it's just the males; women service members come in here too and drink way too many appletinis. We’ve had to put cages around the ceiling fans to prevent women veterans from tossing their bras up there.”