Recruiting woes leads Army to revamp 80's slogan
USAREC: "This'll get 'em!"
“I told you to do the trust fall. NOW DO THE TRUST FALL!”
FORT KNOX, Ky. — In an effort to combat lagging recruiting the U.S. Army Recruiting Command (USAREC) is bringing back a slogan that is a proven winner, albeit with a 21st-century modification.
Wildly popular in the 1980s, “Be All You Can Be” produced an enlistment bonanza. But the old slogan did cause disciplinary problems with some new soldiers. Having been given the promise of unlimited potential growth some privates actually believed they had permission to blossom and make independent decisions outside of the then-existing leadership matrix.
USAREC commander, Maj. Gen. Johnny Davis explained that the old slogan required an update, “Our experiences in the training arena during the time period reflected certain difficulties inculcating strategic Army values and didn’t adequately reflect the top-down focused decision cycle we believe necessary for successful mission approach and completion.”
The 2001 slogan “Army Of ONE” attempted to put an end to the insanity but to this day no one has any idea what it meant. Davis now says, “Contrary to popular belief the military can learn from past mistakes. I realized the error in giving enlistees even the slimmest of hopes that they might somehow have the ability to influence even the most trivial of decisions.”
Recognizing that most potential Generation Z recruits are individualistic digital natives who grew up in a country at war and have a resultant deep mistrust of authority, but also that the Army needs to get back to pressing the human out of the being and reshaping them into little plastic green soldiers, Davis says USAREC’s new advertising campaign is a nod to the old “Be All You Can Be” slogan, with a modern Army twist.
Inspired by the backward look by Gen. Milley that resulted in an Army-wide throwback jersey, Davis ordered the rewording of the 1980s jingle. Now, Army recruits have the chance to “Be All We Tell You To Be.”
“It’s really simple,” says Army doctrine expert and retired Col., Steve Leonard. “Whenever a soldier has a question, no matter how critical or how many potential problems that soldier may be able to stave off by asking it, he or she can just shut up and do what they’re told. Forrest Gump knew it and he was a goddamned genius.”
Sergeant Major of the Army Michael A. Grinston elaborated, “I made a terrible mistake thinking soldiers had a brain. Look at what the Marines do. If these dumbasses want choices they should have joined something other than the military, like the Peace Corps or Space Force.”
Carl Owen is a triple dipper proud to be a burden on the American taxpayer.