Basic bitch goes to Basic Training

Johnson single-handedly organized a supply run for pumpkin spice latte MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat).

FORT JACKSON, S.C. – In an unparalleled tale of military metamorphosis, Pvt. Jennifer “Pumpkin Spice” Johnson, self-proclaimed ‘basic bitch,’ has successfully navigated the rigors of Army basic training while discovering that she could be all she could be along the way.

Johnson, who arrived at Fort Jackson with a suitcase full of UGG boots and an unyielding addiction to Instagram, initially struggled with the transition.

“I was like, literally dying without my daily Venti Caramel Macchiato,” she confessed. “But then I saw the camo uniforms, and I was like, ‘OMG, this is my color!’”

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Her transformation from civilian to soldier wasn’t without its hurdles. According to Drill Sergeant Malanie Lopez, she was trying to fit a hair straightener and a selfie stick into her assault pack upon her arrival. “I knew we had our work cut out for us,” Lopez said.

Still, Johnson’s perseverance shone throughout the training.

“She really turned it around. Some real Private Benjamin stuff,” Lopez admitted. “Once she realized her contouring skills could be used for camouflage, there was no stopping her. She did makeovers for the entire platoon. We actually lost them out there for two days. They were that concealed.”

Perhaps the most pivotal moment came during a field exercise, where Johnson single-handedly organized a supply run for pumpkin spice latte MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat).

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“It was like a totally strategic move,” Johnson explained. “Morale was low, and I was like, ‘let’s spice things up!’ Literally, I came here wanting more, but I truly found this experience healing. Like, I was forced to do a hardcore dopamine cleanse, and every time I thought about asking my parents for care packages, I found myself channeling ​​Marie Kondo vibes and asking if more things would truly bring me joy. The answer was almost always no. It was liberating!”