FORT IRWIN, California — Fort Irwin will be renamed to Fort Hitler in honor of Army Cpl. Johann A. Hitler, a German immigrant who served heroically with the Union Army during the Civil War, Army officials announced today.
The decision, approved by a panel of Army historians in line with guidance from President Donald and Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, came after an exhaustive search for underrecognized soldiers who embodied valor, sacrifice, and a name that “just kinda stuck out.”
“Corporal Johann Adolf Hitler — no relation to the, uh, other Hitler — was a stretcher bearer at the Battle of Antietam,” said Hegseth. “He saved dozens of lives under fire and later ran a respectable sausage cart in Cincinnati.”
Hegseth emphasized that Johann Hitler’s military record was “spotless,” and that his unfortunate last name is merely “a historical coincidence that has unfairly fallen out of fashion.”
