Coast Guard Petty Officer insists you call him Coast Guardian
PO1 finds religion
Regulation moustaches are a key tenet of Coast Guardianism, unless inconvenient.
HOUSTON, TX – Petty Officer First Class Roy Connolly, a Coast Guard training instructor at Sector Houston-Galveston recently came out publicly as a “Coast Guardian” and insisted you exclusively refer to him as such out of respect for him and his faith journey.
A Dallas native, Connolly was born into a traditional Navy family. But confusing feelings soon arose for the youngest of five children, all of whom are now Trusty Shellbacks except for Connolly.
And he told you ALL about it.
“As a child, I felt different. I knew that I was not who I was told I was. I was born a Navy brat, so identifying as a Coast Guardian has put me at odds with my family. None of them talk to me anymore,” said a tearful Connolly as you silently nodded and looked for a graceful exit.
Connolly said his faith journey may have been a long one, but the conversion was as sudden as if the scales had been removed from his eyes. Completely ignoring your body language, Connolly explained it as he blocked you from exiting the small space you shared.
“I was about 27, when I actually learned what Coast Guardianism really means. Growing up in a Navy household, I thought it just meant someone who works with aging equipment, struggles with confusing software, and saves the lives of drunken morons in boats on holiday weekends,” he said. “But now I know I’m called to preach the gospel of Coast Guardianism.”
Coast Guarianism is a belief system predicated on demanding everyone else acknowledge believers as actual members of the military, constantly talking about “narco-terror,” and asserting that Key West is a hardship tour. Correcting everyone in their individual approaches to him and making sure everyone in close proximity knows his new religious convictions also gives him purpose.
Looking wildly about for a possible rescuer, you replied, “Good for you man, that’s…uh…that’s great.”
Over a decade of service together, Connolly never previously mentioned any thoughts on faith whatsoever. Nor did you ever notice any inclination for him to do so when he was folding dollar bills for dancers on the front row at “TOP GUNZ.” But now he’s a devout Coast Guardian with a new “GOINCSTL” vanity plate to prove it.
“What the fuck is that about?”, you wonder.
Holding your upper arm for just a second too long, Connolly said, “Your consistent support in readily and wholly voluntarily having these conversations about my faith and totally not trying to come up with reasons to eject yourself from the discussion,” mean the world to him. “Bro, did you even see that video of that Coastie on that narco-submarine? Bro…he’s like a one-man SEAL Team.”
Asked for comment, Coast Guard Chaplain Harry Douglas, a Catholic priest by ordination, robotically intoned, “We at Sector Houston-Galveston fully support Petty Officer Connolly’s newfound faith conversion to Coast Guardian, however, we respectfully wish he’d take it easy and maybe talk about something else for a change. Anyway, I’ve got to go, I have to run a Rosh Hashanah celebration.”
