THE PENTAGON — In a move that has both cybersecurity experts and teenagers equally bewildered, the Pentagon announced today that Discord, a popular communications platform favored by gamers, has won a lucrative contract to host top-secret government servers.
The decision comes after high-ranking officials reportedly got “really into Among Us lobbies” and appreciated the platform’s robust emoji support.
“I was just absolutely sick of the lag on our secure calls,” said General Brock Shocker, who spearheaded the initiative after experiencing his first Discord raid. “Have you seen how seamlessly these kids coordinate raids and share memes? It’s high time we brought some of that efficiency to our operations.”
The new contract stipulates that Discord will provide secure channels for everything from daily operations to covert ops planning. Each server is to be equipped with custom emojis representing different branches of the military, and top-secret information will be protected by Discord’s revolutionary ‘Nitro’ encryption, which totally isn’t just a premium subscription for better emojis and GIFs.
“We’re especially excited about the server bots,” commented Adm. Jane Bitty, a previously staunch advocate for more traditional communication methods. “Apparently, you can set these things to remind you of meetings. It’s like having a little AI assistant who’s also a bit of a troll. That, and you can sign in on your cell phone at home, which I’m all about. I was able to have a top-secret chat in Starbucks yesterday. Something about it just felt right.”
