Dyslexic officer cuts IED training from EOD course
“Oops, I got my wires crossed again."
By Fat Ghengis
EGLIN AFB, Fla. – President Trump’s executive order to roll back federal Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives has sent shockwaves through the ranks, leaving one Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) officer scrambling to fuse together a bombproof curriculum.
Lt. Cmdr. Jans Sven Swederssen swiftly complied with the commander-in-chief’s directive by systematically purging all materials, references, anecdotes, footnotes, note-notes, and apocryphal texts with the faintest mention of Improvised Explosive Devices (IED) from the halls of Naval School EOD.
DEI, championed by the preceding administration, is a framework that seeks to foster positive workplace environments by intentionally uplifting historically marginalized individuals. IEDs are homebrewed bombs deployed by guerrilla forces designed to maim and kill an otherwise technologically superior adversary.
“Oops, I got my wires crossed again. I’m such a Cornicarp,” shrugged Swederssen, presumedly invoking astrological absolution for his blunder.
The mildly decorated naval officer has struggled with dyslexia since childhood, but still managed to graduate near the top of his class at both Officer Candidate and EOD schools.
“I’ve never let my disability get in the way of being the gray man,” Swederssen stated with quiet confidence, “mainly because I’m also colorblind.”
The utter erasure of safe IED handling and dismantling from EOD textbooks has garnered mixed reactions from both students and cadre alike, with many wondering what sort of fallout future technicians will face after such a key departure from institutional tenets.
“I guess we really are getting ready for war with China,” mused Petty Officer 1st Class Jim Fleek, an instructor who specializes in defusing both IEDs and IUDs.
“I’m just happy this pipeline got 10 weeks shorter,” chimed in Seaman Apprentice Miles Halhoun. “Bombs make me nervous.”
With some vocally questioning Swederssen’s competency, people like Capt. Neal Kelly have rallied to his defense.
“I’ve been hearing a lot of whispers lately about [Swederssen] being a diversity hire — like we brought him here for his dyslexia and not for his perfectly coiffed hair,” Kelly stated. “I’m going to snip this in the bud right here.”
Kelly continued, “We’ve graduated record numbers of students since Jans came onboard a year ago. And we’re graduating the fittest students to boot,” Kelly paused, clearing his throat. “One-and-a-half-mile run: three minutes, 96 seconds – record. Thousand-meter swim: two minutes, 39 seconds – record. These are Olympic-caliber athletes, people, and the numbers all point back to Jans.”
At press time, Swederssen failed his weigh-in at 419 pounds and shit had just kicked off again in the Middle East.
Fat Ghengis is a former deck seaman with an aversion towards open water. He enjoys coffee and bourbon, among other diuretics, and eats competitively.
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"Did I do that?"