Fleshlight solar chargers will help DOD meet climate change goals
It's the only way to beat rising temperatures.
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense (DOD) executed a historic contract with Fleshlight by tapping into a favorite servicemember pastime and making it easier to beat climate change impacts.
Executive Order 14057 directs the federal government to shift energy purchases to more carbon-pollution-free electricity, such as solar, wind, or hydropower. But many of the military’s Good Idea Fairy’s initiatives take years to get started, cost too much, or try too hard to change an ingrained culture for meager outcomes.
The Wagner Initiative aims to change DOD’s energy game.
By adding mini solar panels and a USB port to each fleshlight, service members can charge personal cell phones, laptops, or vapes while getting their rocks off. This partnership turns the beloved personal pleasure pocket into an instant mini-microgrid, reducing a substantial amount of power drawn from barracks’ outlets. DOD estimates this will cut installation power bills by an estimated 20 percent and greenhouse gas emissions by at least 10 percent.
Richard Kidd, deputy assistant secretary of Defense for environment and energy resilience, is optimistic about the program’s future.
“Rather than trying to change the nature of our warriors to meet climate goals, the Wagner Initiative leans into our uniquely grotesque culture to make it work for us,” Kidd said. “This program is really going to take a whack at climate change.”
This unprecedented partnership will provide DOD with 300,000 solar-fitted fleshlights for free by early 2024. The bulk of the inventory will be retrofitted onto the windows of Army and Navy barracks and on-base housing for charging while the Marine Corps expects to inherit “gently used” hand-me-down products by 2035. The Defense Logistics Agency inserted an addendum requiring a 15 percent veteran discount on additional fleshlights.
Recruits and officer candidates will not receive fleshlights in training, because personal devices such as cellphones are not authorized, but commissioning ceremonies will now include a fleshlight hand-off from a CWO along with pinning on butter bars, in lieu of the traditional silver dollar.
One of the top selling points of the Wagner Initiative is that almost no training is required, although rumors across the Pentagon indicate the Air Force Academy will likely develop a how-to course.
Mike McGhee, DoD’s climate resilience executive director, touted both the cost and energy savings of this industry partnership.
“The budgets for keeping our troops hard and charged are a bit engorged, so this initiative’s low overall cost is yet another bonus. With one handheld silicone swoop, we can drastically decrease some of the military’s biggest loads,” McGhee said. “I think we’ll make more progress with the barracks fleshlights in two years than in the last ten years of climate initiatives.”
“We don’t want to shoot our whole wad with this, but we think it’s a real money shot for the taxpayer,” he added.
Ms. Carla Coulson, Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Army for Installations, Housing, & Partnerships, is excited to enhance housing quality for once. While mold persists across family housing, at least now unhappy families can help save the planet while they masturbate.
When asked about integrating women’s personal massagers into the program, Coulson responded, “Twenty bucks says we’ll fix the housing and barracks mold problems before that ever happens.”
Rock or Something is a Marine veteran who gave up on life to become a GS. Send praise or your favorite MRE recipes.
