OTIS ANG BASE, Mass. —Sources said they were disappointed this week after a leak of Top Secret military documents “didn’t even contain any of the good shit about aliens.”
“Seriously, this guy’s gonna go through all the trouble of leaking classified documents and not even include any of the juicy extraterrestrial stuff?” one Discord user complained. “Total fuckin’ boot move.”
The National Guardsman was arrested after authorities discovered classified information he posted to messaging app Discord. But an FBI search of his residence and computer found “no indications whatsoever” of evidence that would “inspire us to ponder more deeply our place in the universe.”
“Unfortunately, the only incriminating material we found was a few Top Secret files about Ukraine and a bag of weed,” said FBI spokesman Kurt Bummhauser. “Not one thing about aliens, faked moon landings, or any of the fun shit. Like, ooh, there’s a war in Ukraine? Big fuckin’ secret.”
Others were upset that this particular National Guardsman got all the credit when other amateur leakers are working hard day-in and day-out to spill classified information with no recognition.
