WASHINGTON — An Air Force inspector general investigation has uncovered an alleged kickback scheme between several squadron snack officers and representatives of the insulin industry, raising concerns that America’s most junior officers have spent years quietly undermining military fitness for profit.

The SNACKO, or snack officer, is traditionally the newest and least respected officer in a flying squadron and is responsible for maintaining adequate supplies of energy drinks, candy bars, chips, ramen noodles, and foods capable of surviving multiple presidential administrations.

According to investigators, at least seven SNACKOs accepted money, mileage reimbursements, and free Costco memberships in exchange for ensuring their squadron snack bars remained “aggressively incompatible with the warrior ethos.”

“This investigation began after Secretary Hegseth demanded we find out why everyone’s waist-to-height ratio keeps getting worse despite all the mandatory PT,” said Air Force investigator Lt. Col. Aaron Mitchell. “Eventually somebody looked at the snack bar.”

“What we found was horrifying.”

The report describes shelves stocked almost exclusively with Pop-Tarts, powdered donuts, peanut butter crackers, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, energy drinks, and ramen with expiration dates extending beyond the projected service life of the F-35.

Investigators said the scheme began when pharmaceutical representatives infiltrated an online SNACKO forum while posing as experienced airlift squadron snack officers.

“They understood the target,” Mitchell said. “A brand-new lieutenant making lieutenant money, entrusted with $800 in Venmo payments and absolutely no adult supervision.”

One SNACKO reportedly became suspicious after being encouraged to remove apples, bananas, and kale chips from his squadron.

“I tried healthy food once,” the officer told investigators. “Nobody touched it. The bananas turned black, the apples became soft, and someone wrote ‘COMMIE FOOD’ on the kale.”

He paused.

“I’d never felt that kind of professional shame.”