Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems

ARLINGTON, Va. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, including procurement failures, maintenance backlogs, sexual assault, and cost overruns.

“We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and contractors charging billions of dollars for products that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.”

Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story.

“The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.”

At Naval Base San Diego, sailors demonstrated the new routine.

The workout began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period.

“It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones.

Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do.

No chief petty officers or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session.

Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm.

“Total bullshit,” one sailor said.

“Retarded,” said another.

“I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third.

Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative.

“I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward we captured Maduro,” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?”

At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging the Joint Chiefs to develop a comprehensive fitness plan for Greenland.