SAN DIEGO, Calif. – Sports nutrition giant GNC plans to release a new pre-workout smokeless tobacco product some time in 2015, Duffel Blog has learned. The experimental energy/nicotine product, codenamed "Tobaccosplode," was designed for the warrior/athlete market niche that pervades the armed forces.

“Dipping and abuse of pre-workout supplements are both cultural trademarks of the military,” a GNC internal memorandum says. “By combining the two, our company hopes to help America field a force of stronger, angrier warriors with a litany of bizarre heart conditions.”

Human trials of the new product conducted at Marine Base Camp Pendleton have yielded overwhelmingly positive results. Marines and sailors who used the Tobaccosplode reported that it significantly increased their desire to “get their fucking pump on.”

Paradoxically, users also reported profound erectile dysfunction, paired with a nearly pathological explosion in libido, resulting in a 600 percent increase in incidents of Marines dry humping inanimate objects and/or their battle buddies.