WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has offered to pardon Venezuelan strongman Nicolás Maduro in exchange for three kilos of cocaine, sources confirmed today.

“Look, just gimme the good stuff,” Trump was overheard pleading with the former dictator behind closed doors. “I can make all of this go away if you hand it over. You saw what I did for Hernández. Total walk. Beautiful outcome.”

The president was referring to former Honduran President Juan Orlando Hernández, who was imprisoned on cocaine trafficking charges and recently pardoned by Trump after what aides described as ‘a very persuasive vibes-based review of the case.’

“MADURO HAS A CHANCE TO BE A TOTAL G INSTEAD OF A LITTLE BITCH!” Trump posted on Truth Social earlier today. “HE’S GOT THE STUFF THAT BRINGS GIRLS WITH PERKY TITTIES. HAND OVER THE BAM-BAM AND YOU CAN BE MY BOY! I GOT THE GUY FROM KISS. LET’S PARTY. VANCE CAN’T COME, HE KILLS THE VIBE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! DJT.”

Sources close to the administration say Trump has ordered his schedule cleared from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. nightly, asked whether the White House ballroom can hold “bitchin’ raves,” and requested that large, unmarked stacks of $100 bills be delivered to the residence.

Meanwhile, Secret Service agents have reportedly heard “Cat Scratch Fever” playing on loop inside the Oval Office, while DoorDash drivers say they’ve noticed a sharp and deeply unsettling decline in McDonald’s orders from the White House.

“Your facts are incorrect,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, responding to rumors that security made her wait in line at Mar-a-Lago while female Fox News hosts were waved inside. “There was some kind of mix-up. My name was on the list. No, I’m still—”

Sources say Maduro was initially prepared to accept the deal, but negotiations collapsed after Donald Trump Jr. informed his father of the current street value of three kilos of cocaine. Maduro reportedly countered with “a boatload” of cocaine, but the shipment was later declared missing somewhere in the Caribbean.

US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of ‘big booty Latinas’

Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97

Duffel BlogFat Ghenghis

Trump blows cover on Venezuela op, crushes SEALs’ dreams of book deals

“We trained our whole lives for this chapter,” sources say.

Duffel BlogBull Winkle

Navy SEAL Writes Tell-All Book About Delta Force Raid

A US Navy SEAL has released a tell-all book detailing the daring raid into Syria last month by the Army’s highly secretive Delta Force.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

CIA Asks Coast Guard For Its Cocaine Back

After a dramatic Coast Guard operation this summer seized more than $1 billion in cocaine from illegal smuggling efforts, the Central Intelligence Agency is asking for it back, Duffel Blog has learned.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Accountability! DoD IG fired over Hegseth Signal-gate report

SECDEF roots out deep state bureaucrats pushing radical left ideologies of law and ethics.

Duffel BlogPaul Sharpe