JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — After extensive research and development, the Army announced today it would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.

The commander of 2nd Stryker Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division, was proud that his unit would be the first to acquire the new, high-quality, piece of shit.

"It's a great day for us here. The Army has spent over $50 million in research and development on this new thing that doesn't work at all and we're the first to have our soldiers not use it," said Col. Charles Winston. "The new piece of equipment, dubbed the M404, doesn't do anything at all and we couldn't be prouder to have it first to show the rest of the world how incapable this new thing is."

Sgt. Daniel Legget, a team leader in 1-17 Infantry, has already received several of the M404's and is tasked with evaluating how ineffective it is.