NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory all-hands change of command ceremony may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week.

“We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, and maintenance periods that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my change of command ceremony for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?”

Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process.

“I just found out a boat is returning from a nine-month deployment,” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.”

Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a Navy planning concept used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.”

“It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, a former surface warfare officer and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep without legal review, but work and leave are absolutely fair game.”

Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, denying leave that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.”

“With advancements in AI and machine learning, we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.”

Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results.

“It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.”

Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage uniform inspections, parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early.

At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.”