CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A local Marine sergeant major was torn today over whether he should solve the global COVID-19 pandemic with uniform inspections or haircuts, sources report.

"On the one hand, making the entire unit stand at attention in close quarters in their dress uniforms for hours on end will send a signal to the virus that we won't let it affect our discipline and military bearing," said Sgt. Maj. Earl Peachey. "But on the other, nothing scares off an infectious disease like the sight of a sharp-looking high and tight."

Peachey added that the potential of further spreading a disease that has already killed over 1,000 people in the U.S. is minor compared to the cost of loosening grooming standards for a few weeks.