THE OCEAN, THE WORLD – Claiming it’s not their job or admitting that they simply can’t be bothered, sailors on the bridge of the carrier USS George H.W. Bush report that not a single man or woman among them has any idea where the ship is going, how fast it’s moving, or, for that matter, where it’s even located in the world.

“I suppose you would expect me to have at least a tenuous grasp on what’s happening right now,” said helmsman Tim Peeler, “but the truth of the matter is I’ve been asleep for basically this entire watch… which I’d say is pretty normal, actually.”

“Why, did I miss something?” he added, yawning. “Is it almost dinner?"

According to the individuals who have spent the last few hours tallying farts, belching song lyrics, and one-upping each other’s mostly-false sex stories, bridge watches like this can be a "major drag." What’s more, finding ways to pass the time that don’t involve incidentally absorbing any details whatsoever about the vessel or its whereabouts reportedly proves a daily challenge.