HOLLYWOOD - With “Cocaine Bear” finally streamable at home this weekend, the Coast Guard has dropped the trailer for “Cocaine Whale,” a story about a boarding team who had to battle a jacked-up Blue Whale on Satan's dandruff that the Coast Guard says isn’t based on anything else at all.

“Ours just happens to be appearing at the same time for no particular reason,” said Coast Guard Commandant Admiral Linda Fagan.

With all the publicity behind the new Universal film, however, the Hollywood trades are in agreement that the Coast Guard is ready to cash in on what seems like an action-packed ocean adventure on the high seas. In the film, the whale is portrayed as hauling cocaine for the Colombian cartels when it accidentally ingests hundreds of kilos and goes on a drug-fueled rampage.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the true story of the cocaine whale began when drug traffickers began using whales as literal drug mules that would migrate up the coast to California. A Coast Guard boarding team happened upon one of the migrating whales only to get into an insane battle of epic proportions.

The report was hidden from the public for years due to the pure insanity of the story but considering the recent popularity of drugged up animal movies, they decided to declassify the account. Normally Coast Guard boarding team members are jumping on the back of submarines carrying drugs and not sticking their hand down a wet “blow-hole” for a bail of Florida Snow.