Freshly-acquitted Diddy gives your weekend safety brief
Gold diggers, Bieber, and malt liquor: Diddy’s safety brief hits different
WASHINGTON — The Department of the Army has launched a new pilot outreach initiative called “Relatable Resilience,” which aims to deliver essential training and readiness messages through “culturally resonant cringefluencers” with “verified Instagram accounts and court cases that wrapped this month,” officials confirmed today.
Their first hire? Freshly acquitted music mogul and occasional motivational speaker, Sean “Diddy” Combs, to deliver this weekend’s safety brief.
“This is about modernizing our messaging and meeting Gen Z where they are,” said Lt. Col. Kat Hrafn, public affairs officer for Army Human Resource Command. "If young troops will listen to a guy who once made contestants walk across the Brooklyn Bridge for cheesecake, then that’s our guy."
The pre-recorded safety brief was broadcast across all major installations Friday morning. It was introduced by Sgt. Maj. Michael Jackson of the Talent Alignment and Development Directorate, U.S. Army Human Resources Command, who told viewers to “clap like we’re at a strip club,” before reminding soldiers that the message they were about to receive “was cleared through legal and moral support channels.”
“Listen up,” Diddy began, standing in front of what appeared to be an empty Cîroc bottle repurposed as a hand sanitizer dispenser. “Diddy cares about troop safety. Diddy supports the warfighter. Diddy also had a legal victory recently, so Diddy’s feeling generous,” he added while holding a glass of Cristal Champagne.
“Diddy says hydrate. Diddy says wear your reflective belt. Diddy says don’t text your ex from the barracks stairwell at 0200 just cuz you miss her dog. That’s weak energy, and Diddy doesn’t tolerate weak energy in the AO,” Diddy stated as he took a sip from his glass of Cristal.
Diddy continued to offer wisdom and non-legally binding advice with all the gravitas of a Command Sergeant Major with 22 years of service and a pending divorce.
“If you’re thinking about driving after drinking, don’t. But if you do, and Diddy says don’t, make sure it’s malt liquor. Is it beer? Is it liquor? Nobody knows. That’s called plausible deniability, baby. Also, gold diggers are real. They out there lurking behind E-5 paychecks like raccoons in a Wawa parking lot.”
At one point, the camera zoomed in as Diddy leaned forward to stress personal discipline and accountability.
“Diddy’s number one rule: don’t call Justin Bieber. He won’t answer. Diddy tried. Diddy regrets it. Also, remember, cameras are everywhere. Especially by the elevators in a hotel. Diddy has seen some things.”
Soldiers reportedly responded to the brief with a mix of amusement, confusion, and replays.
“I thought he was joking about using CLP as personal lubricant, but I tried it and now my skin’s smooth and my M4 runs like a dream.”
Diddy closed the safety brief with a skincare warning.
“Make sure you apply the correct dosage of Diddy-brand sunscreen this weekend. SPF 100. But if you still get burned, we got Diddy-aloe-vera to ease your pain. Smells like resilience. Tastes like litigation.”
Reactions among Army leadership have been mixed.
“So, the Army, in its infinite wisdom, thinks a 54-year-old pimp can relate to our young troops by telling them to rub Hennessy and CLP all over their body? Climb to glory, ascend to shame,” said Master Sgt. Lisa Forts of the 10th Sustainment Brigade at Fort Drum, NY.
Meanwhile, junior enlisted troops appeared overwhelmingly supportive.
“Best safety brief I’ve ever seen,” said Spc. Jasmine Cruz. “I mean, it’s the only one I’ve ever watched without looking at my phone. He made more sense than my first sergeant ever has.”
When asked whether the Army plans to bring back Diddy for future training, Lt. Col. Hrafn said no final decisions have been made.
“We’re also looking at getting Lil Kim for SHARP briefings and Jay-Z to explain the Thrift Savings Plan.”
While the Army’s new outreach program has taken an unforeseen detour into the realm of performance art, many service members wonder if they're now receiving orders from a hip-hop mogul or if they’re trapped in an elaborate music video.
Adrian DeRyder is a former Army officer and current writer for the Duffel Blog that blends sharp insight and wit to highlight the absurdities of military life.
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