WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth recently issued a slew of new policy directives to create a lethal fighting force that rewards individual initiative, excellence, and hard work based on merit as demonstrated through tasteful body art.

“When I served in uniform, discriminatory policies constrained individual freedom of expression and firmly held religious beliefs,” said Hegseth while underlining his favorite passages of the memo with a frayed Sharpie he swiped from Mar-a-Lago as a souvenir, the only time he was invited. During a one-on-one interview, the Pentagon chief and body art advocate provided Duffel Blog with exclusive insight into the new tattoos allowed under his updated policy.

Lewd depictions of Mary Magdalene

Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ would have had nothing but an absolute 10 as a situationship, according to Hegseth. While pornography is strictly prohibited, examples of biblical figures as “kind of a Jessica Rabbit thing but with the ankles covered” are now allowed.

Tattoos of Pete Hegseth, depicted “in the Greek Style”

Classically rendered imagery of high-level military leaders “bolsters military discipline.” Notable examples include General George Washington, our Nation’s first National Guard president, barely draped in a toga, wielding a girthy sword. The secretary further offered to take his shirt off, and use a bottle of olive oil and a crown of laurel leaves he had sitting on his desk during the interview.

Second Amendment with militia clause removed

Since all service members take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, the Secretary directed that tattoos depicting the Constitution would inspire troops, especially if depicted as a “badass tattered scroll.” However, while the policy specifically encouraged the 2nd amendment to “prevent confusion,” it gave a text block to cut and paste, which Duffel Blog experts found to have removed the militia clause. It also specifically called out the 13th, 14th, 15th, and 19th amendments as “a bad bet to permanently tattoo on your body,” but encouraged the 21st Amendment as “a real banger.”

Judeo-Christian space laser

Our warriors deserve the holiest, lethalityist weapons for long-range precision fires, and further must counter the Jewish space laser pacing threat.

Your CAC pin

Real warriors aren’t in front of a computer enough to remember this. SIPR token pins are also allowed under the policy, which was specifically requested by a special interest group of soldiers with GT scores under 110. The policy stated that this was a one-time allowance to do something useful with a tattoo, but to leave a space on the left wrist at the point where a class A dress uniform sleeve hits, “about the size of a barcode.”

“Infidel” written in Hebrew

Hegseth argued that describing yourself as an infidel brought the right kind of Deus Vult energy to future warfighting, but recommended writing it in Hebrew to “build readiness for America’s future crusades…I mean wars.”

29

The number 29, rendered in gothic ordinals, or to resemble the supple feel of chenille patches on a letterman’s jacket, patted for good luck on a cool fall night, just before the big Homecoming game against Heritage Christian Academy, is encouraged. The policy further dictated that the number 29 should always evoke the energy of a man about to be lifted on the shoulders of his teammates and take the head cheerleader home with him that night. The number 29 may also be branded or cut into skin with the crossed rifle infantry insignia as a midnight ritual real men use to create camaraderie in the barracks shower.