SCATTERED ACROSS A MOUNTAINSIDE, EAST AZERBAIJAN PROVINCE, IRAN — Following the fatal crash of a helicopter carrying Iranian President Ebrahim Raisi and several other senior Iranian officials, Interior Minister Ahmad Vahidi charged international Jewry with using a new weapon of mass destruction to cause the mishap.

“We were first warned of this cruel weapon by knowledgeable senior members of the American government like Marjorie Taylor Greene, but our intelligence suggested it was not yet deployed,” said Vahidi. “Sadly, our assessment was wrong. Witnesses along the helicopter’s flight path observed a bright flash shooting down from the heavens. Our ground-based radar confirmed that the blast came from the Jewish space laser. That thing’s operational.”

Vahidi confirmed that no effort had been spared in the search for Raisi’s helicopter, but poor weather, the remoteness of the crash site, and the global Jewish conspiracy all presented challenging obstacles to rescue teams.

“Our first responders are vigilant and well-trained, with extensive practice in rendering first aid after they first beat the shit out of protestors riled up by Zionists against our legitimately elected government,” Vahidi continued. “But with Jews controlling everything from the financial system to vaccine-borne nanobots, we must confess that our rescuers faced a difficult task. Indeed, it is likely that Jews first used chem-trail technology to cause the bad weather and then a time machine to retroactively inflict decades of poor aircraft maintenance and inadequate flight time on our pilots before unleashing their space laser to finish the job.”