Marines: Uhh, that F-35 was in SERE School
Investigation complete. Careers protected. Nothing to see here.
A Marine F-35 Lightning II learns to low crawl at SERE School
Virginia Beach, Va. — The formal investigation into the crash of an F-35 aircraft that was missing for two days has concluded and reveals the plane was “actually just in SERE School that entire time,” announced Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Eric Smith.“We send pilots to Survival, Evacuation, Resistance, and Evasion school all the time. Why shouldn’t we send the aircraft as well?”
The F-35 spent several days eating twigs and berries, hiding behind trees, and otherwise just being a “sneaky boi” as part of the 19-day course. The immense size of the F-35 aircraft made its completion of the course difficult, but not insurmountable.
“I have to be honest. When the national media picked up on the story, I thought ‘Damn, that’s gonna make it that much harder’,” claimed the physically degraded F-35, “But I knew it was mind over matter to evade detection.”
Gen. Smith asserted that sending the aircraft itself to SERE School was “outside of the box thinking”.
“It may appear to the drive-by media that we lost an aircraft for a period of time that is ludicrous and perhaps deserving of a large-scale congressional investigation that may or may not result in multiple reliefs for cause, but I maintain that we, uhh, sent it to SERE School,” Smith said several times, as reporters nodded, apparently to help him feel better.
The SERE School curriculum includes training on employing survival skills, learning to evade capture, and techniques for escaping from enemy capture, all while maintaining the military code of conduct.
“I won’t lie, I thought about quitting a few times. My captors offered me maintenance if I would simply give in and make a video for Al-Qaeda, but I never caved,” claimed the F-35, the world’s most artificially intelligent aircraft.
After action review reports show that the F-35 employed several techniques to evade capture including “not being able to be found despite costing many millions of dollars to produce” as well as “not being able to plot a basic trajectory of the flight plan” and, of course, skirting the basic principle of “giant ass aircraft landed in the middle of South Carolina but still we can’t find it”.
“I consider the matter to be closed to everyone’s satisfaction and will not be taking questions,” said General Smith, as he opened an umbrella so that reporters could not take pictures.
The F-35 was last seen stuffing its face at a local Cheddars restaurant.
Cobra Commander’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.