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Public Affairs Officers join Hollywood writers

"Strike" no longer just for terrorist training camps and base bowling tournaments

LOS ANGELES AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. — Public affairs officers gathered this week at the Westdrift Manhattan Beach Hotel Conference Center and Golf Course to declare solidarity with the Writers Guild of America, a Hollywood writers union striking for decent wages and health benefits in the face of what the WGA calls the, “most comprehensive assault on compensation and working conditions … in a generation.”

Reading from a prepared statement, Air Force Colonel Chip Cushjob said, “I cannot comment on ongoing operati…what? Oh, right! I meant to say, whether via vast shared drives of pirated digital media or poorly made DVDs purchased from a guy in an old shipping container who had never even heard of VHS before we invaded his country, members of the Writers Guild of America bring you ‘binge-worthy’ entertainment so deeply critical to morale during military deployment.”

Cushjob continued. “Many of their efforts offer critical perspectives that make us consider the ways in which we live our own lives. I mean, how many of you watched The Wire while quixotically fighting an urban insurgency in 2007?” Pausing for effect, he went on, “Likewise, public affairs officers (PAO) offer opaque statements, vague narratives and wholly biased interpretations of policies, initiatives and developments in an effort to consistently deliver relentlessly positive messaging on behalf of the Department of Defense and the services. Starting now, PAOs across all branches are staging a sympathy strike to finally get the respect we deserve. You people can tell your own stories for a while!” He hastened to add service members and government civilians should “do so in accordance with all Departmental policies and guidelines.”

Colonel Chip Cushjob offers insights as penetrating as his drive from the tee

The group of military quill masters launched their conference by constituting themselves as the “Public Affairs Officers Guild,” or PAOG (pronounced “pog”). The PAOG elected Cushjob as president and Army Major Kevin McCarthy as chief bartender. Members then ratified both a sympathy strike and a sympathy golf tournament. Discussions about a dunking booth, bouncy house and a PAOG Family Fun Day were addressed in breakout sessions.

But not everything was fun and games. “Military PAOs feel a kinship toward civilian writers who have long suffered the wrath of bean counters,” said Cushjob. “Did you know TV show writers get stuck in tiny offices just like the ones Navy PAOs work from while sailing the clear blue waters of the Mediterranean and Caribbean seas, stopping only for port calls in exotic destinations? Did you know neither we nor they earn residuals for the great work we do? And we’ve certainly noticed a ‘devaluation of [public affairs] writing in all areas of television, news media and features’, especially for some of our amazing fiction efforts.”

Cushjob told a Duffel Blog reporter the striking PAOs plagiarized adopted writers guild strike rules to fit their needs, such as a right to “give written notice to your commander to return any press releases still in draft” and “discontinue any negotiations to reenlist at your current rank/grade.” Concerned about potential budget cuts in a competitive fiscal environment, a visibly tipsy McCarthy pounded a folding table holding an impressive array of premium brand liquor and demanded the right to “[r]egulate use of material produced using artificial intelligence or similar technologies.”

Many public affairs officers gave reporters a sideline interview to express support for their Hollywood counterparts. “Every one of us is prepared to administer Motrin to anyone in distress on the picket lines,” said a captain waiting for his conference-issued tee time. “And we’ve already scheduled training in the proper use of social media in support of this strike.”

No one repeatedly looked at their watch during this training

But not all PAOG members had sympathy for the plight of Hollywood writers. “Their strike website is an amateur word salad, full of obfuscatory jargon and inside baseball terminology indecipherable to anyone outside the closed environment of the organization,” said Army Colonel Joe Buccino, PAOG’s command climate enforcer and pickleball line judge. “And I’d say writing for the military is worse because AFN commercials don’t include end credits.”

Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who is joining the Writers Guild strike effective immedia

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