PortaPotty 2030: In any clime and place

QUANTICO, VA — Earlier this week, on a windswept landing zone nestled in the Quantico highlands, representatives from the Marine Corps Combat Development Command (MCCDC) unveiled the latest revolution in future warfare: Portapotty 2030. “We’re proud to announce Portapotty 2030 as the newest step in our Service-wide reform effort, which you know as Force Design 2030,” said MCCDC communications strategy officer Major Joshua Benson. “Portapotty 2030, or PP2030 as we call it, will directly support the Marine Corps Warfighting Laboratory’s (MCWL) latest warfighting concept: EASO, or expeditionary advanced shitting operations. This is a fantastic new way to manage the Corps’ crap during worldwide operations in any environment, whether forcible or permissive.”

Benson noted that intensive wargaming and field experimentation over the last year made it clear that legacy portapotties are no longer relevant for modern defecatory and onanitory operations. “Thus,” he said, “our top minds at MCWL, after spending hours—nay, weeks—immersing themselves in innovative portapotty prototypes, finally developed the Portapotty 2030 that you see before you today.”

The speed with which MCWL developed PP2030 is reflective of the aggressive reform schedule launched by Commandant of the Marine Corps General David Berger in 2019. By the time PP2030 prototyping was first publicly announced, older portapotty models had already been divested and sent to a farm in the country where they could play with the Corps’ old M1A1 tanks.