Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.

“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.

Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”

“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.

Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.

He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.

During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.

“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”

Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.

During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.

“That’s discipline,” Bass said.

The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.

“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.

At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.